How to love yourself and not become a selfish person

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14 min read
How to love yourself and not become a selfish person
Picture: Anastasia Vishnickaya | Dreamstime
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Wishes, birthday, name day, New Year, we wish ourselves the very best, we wish happiness, health and love for ourselves. We return to the wishes of love, celebrating the holiday of lovers. We repeat the pattern of love desire for the next year on every major occasion.

Some timidly, quietly desire love for themselves. As it turns out, the fulfillment of this desire is quite real, although not easy for everyone. We love because we know how to give ourselves. We can offer this not only to other people, but perhaps, above all, to ourselves.

There are many concepts of love…

Love can be understood from many different perspectives, including philosophical, spiritual, and psychological. It can be understood as a state, a feeling, or even an art. We can put love into a partner, a child, a family, God and those close to us.

But also in the animals that are important to us, or even the activities we love to do. The most common criterion for the division of love is the distinction between partner love, romantic love, erotic love, parental love, brotherly love, and the increasingly seen and appreciated love of oneself. It is remarkable that this love can be given to oneself. The shaded slogan is why we need to explain what exactly it means.

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What does the social sciences say about love?

Erich Fromm wrote that love is an art that anyone can master. He also defined love as a way to involve a person in life. Its main element is delivery. It could not exist without such ingredients as:

  • care
  • respect
  • knowledge
  • development
  • sense of responsibility

Love is an action

We form a state of love in ourselves. To learn this, you need concentration, determination and patience. The strength of a positive attitude is important despite the natural obstacles of instant setbacks and disappointments. Love is a force that requires contact with a person. Healthy love has an active form.

Dmytro Zinkevych | Dreamstime

The psychological three-factor concept of love was proposed by Robert Sternberg. In the book “Psychology of Love” he was described by the psychologist Bohdan Wojtsishke. The factors of love are intimacy, passion, and commitment, and their combinations create different types of love.

Intimacy is the desire for the good of your partner, the joint experience of emotions, the exchange of information, the closeness, understanding and recognition of your partner as an important part of your life.
Passion refers to physical intimacy, excitement, or excitement.

Commitment was divided into two levels: as a short-term decision – I love this person, and as a long-term decision – I decide that I want to continue this relationship. Commitment is the thoughts, feelings, and actions that keep your relationship going.

Let’s give ourselves some love

True self-love is a chance to find love among people, build healthy relationships and enter into relationships that support us.

A famous saying goes: “If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot love others.”

There is only part of the truth in this. If we are looking for a partner or want to improve the relationship we are in, the first step to change can be self-love. Because the only true change is to change yourself.

Love must be taught

As Fromm wrote, love must be “taught.” It is a process that we can constantly develop and a state that each of us can achieve. I have already mentioned the determinants of love above. So let’s take all these elements and apply them to ourselves so we can learn to love ourselves. Don’t be afraid to temporarily focus on yourself.

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You should know that self-love is not selfishness, but the basis of a happy life and the creation of strong and complete relationships.

What does it mean to love yourself

To love yourself is to know and accept yourself, and to be considerate, caring, and aware that you are important. Loving yourself also means: having a lot of understanding and respect for yourself, participating in the process of becoming a happy person. The first step is to fully accept yourself.

Here it is important to accept your whole personality, not forgetting about your body. Acceptance is inextricably linked to knowing ourselves and constantly wanting to know who we are. True acceptance and knowledge cannot exist without self-awareness and self-observation.

Radical self-acceptance

The first step is total acceptance. Radical acceptance is complete agreement. Agree who I am now. This recognition implies an absolute lack of evaluation. You accept yourself with all your pluses and minuses. During adoption, you don’t judge whether you look good, have a satisfactory job, a good mother, a bad son, etc.

You completely abandon judgment and accept the fact that you are who you are now. Remember that who you are today is the result of a series of events throughout your life, either dependent on you or independent of you.

Acceptance is courage!

Full acceptance takes courage. But if you are reading this article, you probably have it. Remember that acceptance is not surrender. Self-acceptance means taking care of yourself, observing yourself, your role in various life events. After careful self-observation and complete acceptance, the time will come to decide whether to change yourself or leave some things unchanged. When attempting radical acceptance, remember that self-criticism and the emotion of anger that accompanies it limits your real knowledge of yourself and, as a result, prevents you from taking steps to change.

Aaron Amat | Dreamstime

Practice radical acceptance

Even if you don’t see the goal initially, you can start by testing your readiness to declare:

  • Who I am now is the result of all past events and decisions.
  • My health, education, interests and relationships are the result of a series of past events.
  • I can’t change what has already happened in my life.
  • The present moment is the only one I can control; the present moment is the best, even if I don’t like what’s going on.

Write your ideas

If you find it difficult to honestly make the above statements, try to practice radical acceptance of various moments in your life, and not directly to yourself. Without judging, try doing the following:

  • When you’re stuck in traffic, wait calmly, without criticism;
  • Watch TV news without commenting on current world events, give up judgments about what you see;
  • Watch people on the street, don’t judge or comment on them.
  • Useful meditation.
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Do you have a realistic idea of ​​yourself?

Allow yourself to know yourself. We often have an unrealistic view of ourselves. Healthy self-esteem is holistic: it includes both parts of ourselves that we do not like and dislike, and those that we like about ourselves. If positive self-esteem doesn’t cross your mind at first, try the following self-affirming exercise with greater self-understanding. This will remind you of your good qualities. You can spend some time on these statements, for example by writing them down on pieces of paper and hanging them where you often look, such as on a computer screen.

  • I’m human, nobody’s perfect
  • I’m living the best life I can at the moment
  • I know my good and bad sides,
  • I’m trying hard, my intentions are right
  • My life has a purpose, even if I don’t always see it
  • I have the right to make mistakes and learn from them.

To love yourself means to want to know yourself!

Self-love can be understood as a way to know yourself. When we deeply love another person, we have a great desire to get to know him better. We want to know who she is, what she likes to do, how she behaves in different situations, what she thinks and feels.

How are you? Are you paying attention to yourself? Are you curious about yourself? Do you look at your body and know this? You know how you feel.

If you have trouble getting to know yourself and don’t initially know how you perceive yourself, I suggest starting the adventure by getting to know your body. This is our home and our private watcher. Thanks to it, you can feel, receive information, contact the world and go about your daily activities. So, let’s turn to our own body and pay a little attention to it.

What is your body saying?

Your body is the first to experience any emotion. Fear, joy or excitement are the first ones that tell us how we feel in a given situation. He is the first to send signals: you are sweating a little and your hand is shaking giving us information are you nervous about something?

Body awareness

The body is an integral part of us, so it is very important to know it and understand what it tells us. The moment we understand them and begin to listen carefully, we will love them while giving love to ourselves. Awareness of the body and its functioning helps us to recognize our emotions and thoughts and integrate them into a single whole. The love that manifests itself in caring, caring and taking care of ourselves also takes care of our body.

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Therefore, it is worth not only making friends with him, but also seeing if we take good care of him. Do we feed them well, how do we train them, do we tire them with stimulants and do we ensure adequate regeneration, for example, in sleep. So let’s fully feel our body and get to know it. By doing this, we are simultaneously practicing mindfulness. Below are some exercises for mindfulness, recognizing emotions, and knowing your own body.

Photosvit | Dreamstime

It is important that you do not try to evaluate, categorize and judge yourself in the following exercises, much less compare yourself to anything or anyone. Approach an exercise without any attitude or expectation about its progress or outcome, with no intention of changing. Pure self-observation is important here, paying attention to yourself in order to notice and test yourself.

Mirror exercise

  • The first exercise is best done with a mirror. Stand freely in front of him so that you can see your whole self. In a calm environment, in silence, so that no one bothers you, look into your reflection.
  • Look at yourself carefully and with more understanding.
  • Breathe freely, feel that your inhalation and exhalation are smooth and deep.
  • If you feel that your breathing is fast, try focusing on it for a moment and give it as long as it takes for it to straighten.
  • Talk to yourself politely, say which part of your body you are looking at, start observing from your feet to your head.
  • Pay attention to what part of the body you are looking at, do not judge it, observe and describe indiscriminately.
  • Pay attention to how you feel when you speak and look at some part of your body.

Emotions can arise here, notice them, try to name them and do nothing more with them, not take any action under their influence. Finish the exercise when you feel it’s time.
At the end, thank yourself for doing this exercise.

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Remember that how your body looks, how you feel with it and in it, is the result of all events and decisions in your life, depends and does not depend on you, accept this state.
Activities that please your body and have a positive effect on it can help you love your body. Let your body be happy. This exercise should make your body happy and practice it daily for a while.

Find activities that benefit your body

Remember that stimulants, food, watching TV or shopping will not bring joy to the body. Find an activity that suits him, such as walking or other activity. On the other hand, if your body is in need of rest, give it a refresh, such as longer sleep or a massage. As you discover activities that work well for your body (both while moving and resting), keep an eye on your feelings and accompanying emotions. This is a very useful observation.

When you see it as a way to relax your body, such as a brisk 15-minute walk is the same method you can use when you feel tense in your body after a busy day at work. When practicing movement or rest, do it carefully. Don’t expect immediate results, don’t rush into your body’s reaction. Wait, and they will definitely return you.

Practice mindfulness

Self-awareness is a form of self-care and self-love. It is a skill that we can acquire and constantly practice. Through mindfulness, anxiety symptoms are relieved, we reduce our risk of depression, reduce our feelings of chronic pain, increase our tolerance for discomfort, and develop our ability to cope with difficult situations.

Mindfulness = Awareness

Mindfulness is directing your attention to what you are experiencing at the moment, it is concentration and awareness that you are in the present moment, and therefore awareness of your thoughts, feelings and related actions and emotions. The key point here is the lack of evaluation, criticism of both ourselves and how we experience. This is a very important skill that is regularly practiced, it helps to get to know yourself better, your needs and limitations. Thanks to this, we can relate to the current situation that is happening here and now. Mindfulness brings us closer to ourselves and opens the door to true self-love.

Contemplate the present moment

  • So sit in a comfortable place where you feel comfortable.
  • Refer to your body first.
  • Look, don’t judge.
  • See if your muscles are tense or relaxed.
  • Scan your body from top to bottom and see which part of your body is tense and which is comfortable.
  • Or maybe you have other body sensations, describe them.
  • Imagine watching your body in slow motion: observe your feelings with curiosity. Pay attention to where your vision is focused, whether you are looking at a specific point or covering a wider range of the room.
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Now take a breath, what does it feel like? Fast, slow, steady, shallow, deep, are you breathing only through your nose or through your mouth? See if any thoughts come to you. Name them, but don’t categorize them. Take a look at them, their number, their intensity and what they refer to. Now feel what emotions are with you. Name them. Don’t try to explain or understand them, just pay attention to them. Take your time, exercise as much as you need. Many feelings may arise during this exercise, including relief, sadness, and anger.

Koldunova | Dreamstime

Keep practicing, let these conditions arise and then pass. Focus slow motion and heightened attention on your experience for a moment longer.

Close to you, loving myself

The exercise you performed required great concentration. Thanks to him, you were very close to each other. At a slow pace, you have allowed yourself to be in the present moment, for which you can be grateful.

Practicing radical acceptance and mindfulness, addressing your body and addressing yourself with care, without judgment, and a willingness to know yourself and enjoy meeting yourself are actions and relationships that bring you closer to self-love. The moment you feel love within you, you will want to share it with other people close to you, which will be the next step towards love that gives.

Love yourself first?

Loving yourself, like loving others, is a process, not a state that requires our constant work. Of course, if we have very low self-esteem, this can be bad for relationships, but then we must pay attention to the specific behaviors that result from this.

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For example, I ask my partner several times a day if he really loves me, is he jealous or possessive. On the other hand, we also know that mismatched attachments can also cause this behavior. In difficult situations, psychology will always answer: depending on the circumstances.

So, back to the question: Do you need to love yourself first in order to love others? What:

  • Love for yourself is not a state that is achieved and is, but a work that lasts a lifetime
  • Everyone deserves love – this follows directly from point number 1 (loving yourself also means believing that you deserve love)
  • It’s best to love yourself together – loneliness is bad
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