This article will focus on a concept that, although originating from the English language, has already entered into most of the languages in the world forever – the so-called gaslighting.
Gaslighting can be present in a wide variety of relationships, but it is most common in love relationships, both informal and formal. Moreover, since it belongs to the repertoire of manipulation techniques, gaslighting is commonly used, for example, by people who themselves suffer from personality disorders.
When a person realizes that he can become a victim of this extremely insidious manipulation, he tries to find a way to cope with the situation. So, in addition to explaining in detail what gaslighting is and how it manifests itself in partnerships, in the following paragraphs you will also find a series of tips on how to protect yourself from this type of manipulation.
However, gaslighting is not just about convincing someone that they have a mental disorder. In fact, this method of manipulation can be very cunning and therefore very dangerous. This includes the constant, gradually questioning the cognitive abilities of the other person, who after a while begins to believe that something is wrong with him.
What does gaslighting mean
As already mentioned, gaslighting is an insidious method of manipulation that may even look very innocent, but it really is psychological abuse. What’s more, the vast majority of people use gaslighting completely or partially unconsciously and from time to time. These two factors make it easy to fall prey to such manipulations and difficult to understand and recover from.
The following paragraphs provide different types of gaslighting, both obvious and covert:
- The constant use of phrases such as: “you made it up”, “you came up with something”, “you are crazy”, “you are talking nonsense”, “you made a mistake”;
- Assuming that the other person has a memory problem;
- Stubborn denials: “Of course I didn’t say that”, “I didn’t say anything like that”, “there was nothing like that”, “there was no such situation”, “I don’t know what you’re talking about” ; it is possible to present an alternative version of events;
- Exaggeration and devaluation, such as persuading someone to raise their voice, be hysterical, obnoxious, aggressive, but also devalue the other person’s negative feelings (“exaggeration”, “nitpicking”) ;
- Consider yourself a victim of psychological violence, despite previous provocations, emphasizing that the conflict arose unjustifiably and is the result of a mental disorder;
- Accusations: “something is wrong with you”, “it’s your fault”, “you did it yourself”;
- Imaginary concern or anxiety: “you used to be different, you have changed”, “what is happening to you?”, “you have been acting strange for some time”, “you are treating me worse than before”, “you need help”;
- Accusations of mental problems: from nerves and stress to mental disorders and illnesses;
- In extreme cases: planned deliberate actions, such as hiding and rearranging objects, which are then used as evidence of hallucinations, memory holes, insanity.
Аnxiety state
Surely you understand that almost everyone sometimes, usually under the influence of emotions or fear, says something like “you must be crazy” or contradicts his own words. It doesn’t have to be called manipulation. In healthy relationships, there is usually time for clarification: we acknowledge our mistake, apologize, explain our feelings and interpretation of words or behavior – and finally we come to an agreement.
Gaslighting is different in that this moment of explanation never comes, and the person who is manipulating keeps their position to the end without trying to figure out why the other person has a different opinion. Such situations most often arise in every conflict. The following signals may indicate this:
- You apologize for everything and explain yourself for everything – sometimes you don’t even know what for, for what and why;
- You doubt your decisions and ideas, do not trust your intuition, are afraid of criticism and negative evaluation;
- You adjust your actions to the reactions of others: you repeatedly check that you have done everything that was expected of you, sometimes you even hide or lie to avoid consequences;
- You weigh every word, you’re not sure if what you’re saying is right, if you’re offending anyone, etc. Sometimes you prefer not to speak or act at all;
- You blame yourself for how you feel and how you react;
- You begin to question the reliability of your memory and even your mental health;
- You get the feeling that you used to be more confident, but now you are not sure of anything.
Gaslighting in relationships
Gaslighting most often concerns close family relationships, especially romantic relationships – and this is because in such a situation the easiest way to get the effect of using it, that is, to gain control and superiority over the other person. In less intimate relationships, it’s hard to create such a strong addiction using gaslighting.
When analyzing the phenomenon of gaslighting in a relationship, it is worth thinking about its origin and understanding its consequences.
Why does my partner gaslight?
If you suspect that you may be the victim of relationship manipulation, you may be wondering what exactly your partner’s goal is or what they are doing to get it.
Gaslighting allows you to gain a significant advantage over the other person. Using this type of manipulation systematically, you can take control of someone and feel superior to them.
Your partner may be intentionally or unknowingly gaslighting. It is possible that he was once a victim of this, for example, in the family, and adopted this “habit” as a method of coping with conflict situations and a defensive reaction. This is a way to avoid the responsibility and consequences of your own mistakes.
It is also possible that your partner is deliberately using this type of manipulation, even for material gain, because they are hiding something (such as cheating), or simply for the pleasure of having an advantage over someone.
Gaslight Effects
Unfortunately, the victim of gaslighting can suffer very serious consequences if he does not cut off this possibility of self-manipulation in time. If she does not manage to free herself in time, the problems will last longer than a simple relationship with a manipulator.
Here are the main effects of gaslighting from the perspective of the person being manipulated:
- Sharp decline in self-esteem;
- Lack of faith in one’s own ideas, beliefs, decisions, fear of taking various steps independently;
- Emotional dependence on the manipulator;
- The inability to break out of the manipulator’s game and fit everything into his twisted rules;
- Be sure of your own mental problems, inability to function independently, correctly assess the situation;
- Lack of confidence in oneself, one’s memory and perception of reality;
- Appreciate your own emotions – suppress them, do not give yourself rights to them, feel guilty;
- Emotional detachment – increased sensitivity, nervousness, more rapid loss of self-control, anxiety.
How to deal with gaslighting
After reading the above paragraphs, probably everyone understands how important it is to be able to cope with the situation when we become a victim of gaslighting. This ability is a big challenge. Firstly, because, probably, someone has been poisoning us with gaslighting for a long time, which began to give the first results in the form of numerous doubts, self-doubt and addiction.
However, there are a few guidelines that will help you take drastic steps to get rid of your gaslighting claws.
Mindfulness training
By this I mean a general understanding of the problem, breaking it down into its main factors, and understanding the whole process of manipulation that you are subject to. If you notice that you are a victim of manipulation, because in many situations, mostly conflict, you begin to get the impression that someone does not want to understand you, that he distorts your words, that he tries to ignore you and, in addition, it tells you that there is something with you and your thinking.
Analyze your discussions step by step. Remember what you said, how you said it, and what kind of reaction you got. Consider whether talking to another person in a similar situation would be similar. Try to focus on what you are thinking and keep your balance. Repeat what has been said, try to compose simple messages and do not succumb to provocations.
Set borders
Setting boundaries is crucial, especially if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, so you can more easily protect yourself from being manipulated. Decide what you accept and what you absolutely do not accept. Emphasize this each time the other person tries to cross these boundaries.
Be consistent and do not change your boundaries depending on your mood or, for example, the behavior of your partner. Neither fear, nor screaming, nor self-indulgence, nor fawning can be reasons for crossing the border.
Set boundaries for judging you, your decisions, beliefs, and feelings. Make it clear that you do not agree to be asked and judged on how you feel and that you can bear the consequences of your decisions without being burdened by other people.
Find witnesses and outside support
If there are strong doubts, an ally is needed. If possible, make sure someone is watching your conversations with the manipulator. Try to restrain yourself so that you don’t get distracted by what the person gaslighting is doing.
Also, open up to other people. Talk a lot with family and friends, and if you feel the need to, consult a psychologist who can help you assess what you’re dealing with and support you on your path to liberation. Summarize your discussions honestly with others, but at the same time, don’t focus on the fact that you have doubts about your memory or mental health. Use the support of other people and try to develop an action plan with them: ask how they would react to you, what solutions they see in this problem. You will get rid of the feeling that you are alone and have no direction.
Gather evidence
Especially in extreme cases, it is sometimes necessary to collect evidence.
If gaslighting involves committing a crime and, for example, covering it up in this way, or is it a game between spouses who are fighting for custody of children or property – in short, in situations where third parties may be involved in the form of a judge, lawyers, a psychologist or even the police – it is important to back up your words with relevant evidence.
Stop communicating with the manipulator
When gaslighting takes on an extremely toxic form and is not just a random defensive reaction, but actually destroys your well-being, it is possible that you are dealing with a manipulator who is battling serious mental health problems on his own.
In such a situation, it is usually better to completely limit communication with the manipulator. This may be the only way to get rid of gaslighting. If setting boundaries, trying to change communication and, for example, the help of a psychologist did not bring positive results, and the manipulator is increasingly using the potential of his abilities, you should distance yourself from him as soon as possible.
Thank you for reading this post to the end, and I hope that knowing what gaslighting is will allow you to quickly free yourself from its harmful effects.
